Saturday, September 24, 2011

Sheet clouds

I went home,
could feel my heart beating,
looked at the dishes in the cupboard,

Which ones do I want to smash?

Layed on my bed
with my legs hanging
over the side.

Stared at the ceiling
willing myself to cry,

but I can't.

Thought about that Stone's song,
"You can't always get what you want"
but couldn't find the record hidden in the stacks.

Listened to "A milli" by Lil Wayne
on my iPod
instead.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Why do people on the internet
always try to look "cute"
on their profile pictures

?

This is a question that has plagued
the cyber world
since muffin-tops
on myspace
.

In an attempt to fight this
I have chosen
on facebook an
"unflattering"
photograph for my new profpic.

Credits go to Samantha Ditomaso.

THIS IS ME!

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Alcoholic Vegetarian Drinking Game 

So maybe you are about to start college and have decided to become a vegetarian in order to impress all the artistic bleeding hearts smoking outside the art building and perhaps maybe fit into an even skinnier pair of jeans. Maybe you have been vegetarian for 10 years and have been waiting for someone to outline the rules of this game because you would have yourself, but have been too busy stealing from Whole Foods. This game is especially appropriate for family gatherings (reunions, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the like), or days when you will be introducing yourself to many people as a vegetarian. Here, my friend, are the (un)official rules to the Alcoholic Vegetarian Drinking Game.

The most important rule is that you must carry a flask around with you at all times. How else are you going to play this game if you haven't got something to drink at any given moment? Also, how could you possibly call yourself an alcoholic if you're not carrying a flask? (Tip: fill the flask with liquor.)
Every time some ignorant meat-eater says one of the following catchphrases to you, you are required to take the given amount of swigs out of your flask. Swig amounts are based on how common the question is.

- “But where do you get your protein?” - 1 swig. (If they say you will die without it, feel free to take another swig.)
- “Do you eat fish?” - 1 swig.
- “People Eating Tasty Animals” - 1 swig. (Any PETA mention can be 1 swig.)
- “So what do you eat, then?” - 1 swig
- “Animals would overpopulate if we didn't eat them” - 2 swigs.
- Asks you how you feel about hunting – 2 swigs.
- “I'm pretty much vegetarian, I only eat white meat.” - 2 swigs.
- “I was vegetarian for a week/month/year.” - 2 swigs
- “But I could never give up ______! It's so good!” - 3 swigs.
- “So THIS is why you're so skinny? / I'm going to fatten you up.” - 3 swigs.
- “What about your leather SHOES/BELT?” - 3 swigs. (Ever heard of canvas/plastic/faux?)
- “God put animals on this earth. / Humans are meant to eat animals.” - 3 swigs.
- “I'm going to eat 2/3 animals for every 1 you don't.” - 4 swigs.
- “We'll see if we can't get you to eat it!” - 4 swigs.
- “Sure you can eat this, it's (some kind of vegetable).” Then after you bite it, “HAH NO IT'S CHICKEN! HEHE!” or even, “No, I didn't say that was (some kind of vegetable!) I told you that was meat!” - Drink the whole flask then try to break it over their head (repeatedly).

If following the rules of this game correctly, you are bound to have a much better time at reunions, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and meet-and-greets, or at least a much number time. Enjoy using this game as proof that even herbivores can hold their liquor, or at least that they like to have more fun than the omnivores out there. If all else fails, simply try not letting people know that you're vegetarian. You wouldn't be getting very drunk that way, though.

Party on!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Someone put a
cloud
on my
bed.
Now I feel
guilty
doing anything there but
sleeping.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

the blog is back in town.

Anyone who gives me their address will get a piece of pizza in the maill.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Nobody understands me, mom.

Why am I awake at 7 am on 9-11,
are the laundromats open right now?
What will Jesus think of me
if I wash my sheets on 9-11,
what will he think of me
if I sleep between dirty sheets
on 9-11?

Friday, September 9, 2011

On the bus
blasting
Justin Timberlake on my headphones
It's empty
except
4 katies
I wonder
can they hear my heaphones?
Do they think I'm cool?
Should I jump up
and shake my ass
up and down the aisle
of this mostly empty bus?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

My friend Joseph
treats women like shit.
I wanna stomp on his dick,
and cradle him in my arms
while kissing his face
and telling him "It'll be okay,
but you're still the slimiest mother fucker
within a 50 mile radius."

Monday, September 5, 2011

Tonight i feel great, physically
like i'm floating,
but underneath i'm so alone.

So here is a poem



I want you to step on me
like i'm your shoes,
wear me out
until your heels bleed,
and I'll soak up your sweat
when you're running
out of time,
protect your tender soles
from nails and broken glass.

I want you to wear me out
like I'm your shoes,
step on me
until I'm torn
and full of holes,
my imprint wearing thin
until you can see
yourself
through me.