Wednesday, August 24, 2011

right now i'm walking around
like a bunch of dynamite
i wanna blow everything up
and punch everyone in the face
I hope the cops don't find this poem,
that would suck,
i don't really wanna blow shit up,
that was a metaphor,
i'm not a terrorist.
Tomorrow I am gonna get my nose pierced

Sunday, August 21, 2011

i just took a nap and had a dream that I forgot where I lived and I completely drove to the wrong house.

I am so bad at making friends.

I just took a three week class over the summer called "trigonometry."

There was only one person there that I considered making friends with.
We never got much further than "hey"s and "Shit I really didn't study for this exam."
The class was three weeks long.
I kind of thought he was cute or whatever, except his style was really wack, like his mother bought all his clothes for him at walmart or something, you know, the "i don't actually have my own style" style.

I got to the math building early everyday to do my homework, not having done it the night before due to getting trashed every night, etc.
I think he must have noticed this because on the last day, while I was there early studying for the final exam, the guy comes 30 minutes before class (unusual) and sits next to me and starts talking.
What is your major, I ask.
Physics.
That sucks.
I like music too, he says. But physics will make me lots of money.
Money is stupid, I say. Money is the root of all evil, I say.
I can be a physicist and a musician at the same time, he says.
Oh yeah, I say, just like that movie where the guy is a scientist and a famous rock star at the same time, and it has Jeff Goldblum in it dressed like a cowboy, and John Lithgow is the alien villian, and they find out that aliens are living inside of all solid objects. Shit, I wish I could remember the name of this movie, it used to be one of my favorites. It's from the 80s.
Haven't heard of it, he says, sounds good.
I am addicted to fun, I tell him.
What do you do for fun? I ask.
I am going to my friend's house tonight, he says.
That's it? That's what you do for fun?
Sort of, he says.
I am going to a surprise birthday party for my friend tonight, I say. We are all going to dress up like cats.

I am talking kind of crazy at this point.
I evaluate the situation. I am really nervous. The kid has a dead gaze. I feel anxious. I think "I really wish I was high right now. Oh wait no, I am about to take a trig final exam. I am going to get high as soon as I leave here."

I laugh out loud, really loud, at myself for my thoughts about getting high, and a lost Asian exchange student walks past us and out the door.
New Friend says something about the Asian kid.
Oh shit, I say, I wasn't laughing at him, it was something in my head, oh man, I hope he doesn't think I was laughing at him. Fuck. What if he thinks all Americans are going to laugh at him now? I probably just ruined the next year of his life by laughing.

Everyone else in the math building lobby gets up to go into the classroom. Everyone looks like they are at a funeral. I start putting my notes away. New Friend doesn't move. I start walking. Almost around the corner now.

Hey, he says, you wanna get high after class?
I turn around. He has his cell phone out and is looking at me.
Yeah, I say, that's actually why i was laughing, because I thought, "man i really wish i were high right now."
Then I keep walking and go to class.

The exam is brutal. New Friend sits next to me like every class.
I can't focus on the exam. I think, shit, did he have his cell phone out because he was trying to get my number? Fuck, I am so bad at making friends. I can't get high with him. I'm not gonna let him get me high.
New Friend finishes his exam first because he is the smartest kid in the class.
Shit, I'm thinking, what if he waits for me outside because I said I would get high with him? Fuck, I should have realized he was trying to get my number so he would just call me later instead of waiting for me.

I can't finish the exam and I know I am doing everything wrong. But I can't stay and finish and work on it more because I am paranoid that this kid is waiting for me, this mathematical dumbass, this social fuck up, to finish and meet him outside and smoke reefer or something. I give the teacher the test and walk out through the lobby.
New Friend is not there.
PHEW!!!!!
I walk out the door, he is not outside the building, either.
Home free!

Oh shit. There is a guy on a bench over there that looks like he has no style and ugly sunglasses is is smoking weed out of one of those "fake cigarette" one-hitters.

He sees me looking at him and I stop and he walks over to where I am, offers me "some of this cigarette" and I hesitate.
No, I say, uhh not now...
It's not really a cigarette, he says.
I wanna scream NO SHIT! and run away. I don't.

You seem really young, I say, how long have you been going here?
This was my first class here, he says, but my father is a professor here, so I've been around a while.
Yeah, but I mean, how old are you?
18.

I think he is looking at me but I can't tell through his ugly slick sunglasses.

Shit, haha, I should have known, I say. I wanna tell him that his style will be saved, that he will develop his own tastes in clothing as he ventures through college. But that seems mean. I don't say it.

You can still come to the cat surprise party! I say, there will be one other 18-year-old there, you guys can bond over being 18 or something.
I am thinking of Jordan Castro and I wonder if they would be friends or something.
I start waving my arms in the air saying, It'll be fun! Cat party! Addicted to fun!

No, he says, you should just come to my friend's house on Franklin.
The cat party is on N. Water! I am still waving my arms around.
I'm not going, he says.

We are almost to the parking lot where my car is parked.
Do you need a ride or anything? I ask him.
Neh, he says, his phone is out again.
Okay, I say, well, my car is over here, you should find the cat party later!
I wave my arms around some more. Like a lunatic. Bye!
Later....he says. We walk in separate directions. He puts his phone away.


Fuck! I am so bad at making friends!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Today is my ex boyfriend's birthday
and I just wanna kiss every cute boy i see.

I should probably get trashed tonight.

Monday, August 8, 2011

LAST NIGHT I DREAMT THAT SOMEBODY LOVED ME

and then I woke up to chainsaws outside my window.