Saturday, December 24, 2011

READY AND WAITING

Even as a child, I knew,
I was going to hell,
so every night
I prepared,
drew the bathwater
a little bit hotter
than the night before
and let it burn my skin
just a little bit redder
a little bit more painful,
pretending I was mining coal
or building a railroad
in hell
until finally
anything under 200 degrees
felt like ice on my skin,
and spending eternity in flames
didn't seem like such a bad idea.

Friday, December 23, 2011

It will feel good to burn in the fire
(help me on my way to hell)

It's impossible that you're alive
they all said
after the accident
that left me impaled
by (something)
through the chest
which should have left me dead

but I stood up and pulled it out
because (something)
doesn't hurt
doesn't make me bleed
doesn't leave anything behind except another hole
and the mysterious ashes
that make up the insides.

When the footage was broadcast on the evening news,
authorities were knocking on my door.
I showed them the hole,
they prodded and nudged the ashes with their batons.
It's impossible that you're alive,
they all said,
come with us.

Did I put up a struggle?
I don't believe so. I fell asleep
and when I woke up
the nurses were scared
It's impossible that you're alive,
they all said,
and began to describe my internal anatomy.

When did it catch on fire? They wanted to know.
My insides had been burnt and burnt again,
the ashes were piling up in layers,
they would soon kill me.
No, I told them. No.
It is the ashes that saved my life.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

DONATE TO MY LAZER EYES FUND

I have broken every pair of glasses I have ever had.
I am kindly asking you to donate money on paypal to me at lilyyydawn@gmail.com.
Any large (or small) amount will be greatly appreciated.
I am sick of wasting money on my broken glasses.
Here is a montage of my glasses.
BROKEN

BROKEN BY HANDS

BROKEN AT SHOW

BROKE THESE RIGHT AFTER I GOT THEM

LOST/STOLEN

CHEWED BY DOG

FELL APART
IF I GET LAZER EYES I WILL NOT HAVE TO BUY OR WEAR GLASSES ANYMORE.
PLEASE SEND SOME LUV.
<3 <3

Monday, November 21, 2011

Hi everyone.

I am not dead yet but I feel dead.

Cried all day.

Just an update.

Ask me stuff on formspring because I want to deceive myself into thinking people find me interesting. http://www.formspring.me/Lilyyydawn

It's 1:11 make a wish.
Oh shit too late, it's 1:12 now.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Hello Blog
I can't stop eating fruity dino bites.
Fuck I meant to go tanning today but I forgot and the place just closed.

Been looking at this website
http://pixyland.org/peterpan/index.html

Anyone who paypals me $30 can have a sexy photo of me.
Serious.

Made this gif called "horse surprise"


Love you
I feel really lonely and alienated alot.

I just want to read books and tan and get married to someone charming and good in bed.

I think
it would be
cool
to love someone
but
I don't know if
I'm capable of
that
anymore.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011




Can I make it clear that I don't have a "revolving door of guys?"
Or that I'm not a loose cannon?
Or freaky?
Or out-of-control?

Planning on updating hiphiphooray.

Also I've begun work on a chapbook of one-liners.
heh.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

"quickie"

Told this guy over fb chat that I was a slut
he asked me to come over for a quickie
I said "raincheck"
he said "What you already fuckin someone else tonight?"
I said no.
I didn't wanna tell him I am on my period.
he asked for my number
I gave him my number
then he said "I think you're lying"
then I fell asleep.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

I am American
and I love McDonald's
and drive a big truck.

My truck is filled with empty McDonald's things.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Sheet clouds

I went home,
could feel my heart beating,
looked at the dishes in the cupboard,

Which ones do I want to smash?

Layed on my bed
with my legs hanging
over the side.

Stared at the ceiling
willing myself to cry,

but I can't.

Thought about that Stone's song,
"You can't always get what you want"
but couldn't find the record hidden in the stacks.

Listened to "A milli" by Lil Wayne
on my iPod
instead.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Why do people on the internet
always try to look "cute"
on their profile pictures

?

This is a question that has plagued
the cyber world
since muffin-tops
on myspace
.

In an attempt to fight this
I have chosen
on facebook an
"unflattering"
photograph for my new profpic.

Credits go to Samantha Ditomaso.

THIS IS ME!

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Alcoholic Vegetarian Drinking Game 

So maybe you are about to start college and have decided to become a vegetarian in order to impress all the artistic bleeding hearts smoking outside the art building and perhaps maybe fit into an even skinnier pair of jeans. Maybe you have been vegetarian for 10 years and have been waiting for someone to outline the rules of this game because you would have yourself, but have been too busy stealing from Whole Foods. This game is especially appropriate for family gatherings (reunions, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the like), or days when you will be introducing yourself to many people as a vegetarian. Here, my friend, are the (un)official rules to the Alcoholic Vegetarian Drinking Game.

The most important rule is that you must carry a flask around with you at all times. How else are you going to play this game if you haven't got something to drink at any given moment? Also, how could you possibly call yourself an alcoholic if you're not carrying a flask? (Tip: fill the flask with liquor.)
Every time some ignorant meat-eater says one of the following catchphrases to you, you are required to take the given amount of swigs out of your flask. Swig amounts are based on how common the question is.

- “But where do you get your protein?” - 1 swig. (If they say you will die without it, feel free to take another swig.)
- “Do you eat fish?” - 1 swig.
- “People Eating Tasty Animals” - 1 swig. (Any PETA mention can be 1 swig.)
- “So what do you eat, then?” - 1 swig
- “Animals would overpopulate if we didn't eat them” - 2 swigs.
- Asks you how you feel about hunting – 2 swigs.
- “I'm pretty much vegetarian, I only eat white meat.” - 2 swigs.
- “I was vegetarian for a week/month/year.” - 2 swigs
- “But I could never give up ______! It's so good!” - 3 swigs.
- “So THIS is why you're so skinny? / I'm going to fatten you up.” - 3 swigs.
- “What about your leather SHOES/BELT?” - 3 swigs. (Ever heard of canvas/plastic/faux?)
- “God put animals on this earth. / Humans are meant to eat animals.” - 3 swigs.
- “I'm going to eat 2/3 animals for every 1 you don't.” - 4 swigs.
- “We'll see if we can't get you to eat it!” - 4 swigs.
- “Sure you can eat this, it's (some kind of vegetable).” Then after you bite it, “HAH NO IT'S CHICKEN! HEHE!” or even, “No, I didn't say that was (some kind of vegetable!) I told you that was meat!” - Drink the whole flask then try to break it over their head (repeatedly).

If following the rules of this game correctly, you are bound to have a much better time at reunions, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and meet-and-greets, or at least a much number time. Enjoy using this game as proof that even herbivores can hold their liquor, or at least that they like to have more fun than the omnivores out there. If all else fails, simply try not letting people know that you're vegetarian. You wouldn't be getting very drunk that way, though.

Party on!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Someone put a
cloud
on my
bed.
Now I feel
guilty
doing anything there but
sleeping.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

the blog is back in town.

Anyone who gives me their address will get a piece of pizza in the maill.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Nobody understands me, mom.

Why am I awake at 7 am on 9-11,
are the laundromats open right now?
What will Jesus think of me
if I wash my sheets on 9-11,
what will he think of me
if I sleep between dirty sheets
on 9-11?

Friday, September 9, 2011

On the bus
blasting
Justin Timberlake on my headphones
It's empty
except
4 katies
I wonder
can they hear my heaphones?
Do they think I'm cool?
Should I jump up
and shake my ass
up and down the aisle
of this mostly empty bus?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

My friend Joseph
treats women like shit.
I wanna stomp on his dick,
and cradle him in my arms
while kissing his face
and telling him "It'll be okay,
but you're still the slimiest mother fucker
within a 50 mile radius."

Monday, September 5, 2011

Tonight i feel great, physically
like i'm floating,
but underneath i'm so alone.

So here is a poem



I want you to step on me
like i'm your shoes,
wear me out
until your heels bleed,
and I'll soak up your sweat
when you're running
out of time,
protect your tender soles
from nails and broken glass.

I want you to wear me out
like I'm your shoes,
step on me
until I'm torn
and full of holes,
my imprint wearing thin
until you can see
yourself
through me.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

right now i'm walking around
like a bunch of dynamite
i wanna blow everything up
and punch everyone in the face
I hope the cops don't find this poem,
that would suck,
i don't really wanna blow shit up,
that was a metaphor,
i'm not a terrorist.
Tomorrow I am gonna get my nose pierced

Sunday, August 21, 2011

i just took a nap and had a dream that I forgot where I lived and I completely drove to the wrong house.

I am so bad at making friends.

I just took a three week class over the summer called "trigonometry."

There was only one person there that I considered making friends with.
We never got much further than "hey"s and "Shit I really didn't study for this exam."
The class was three weeks long.
I kind of thought he was cute or whatever, except his style was really wack, like his mother bought all his clothes for him at walmart or something, you know, the "i don't actually have my own style" style.

I got to the math building early everyday to do my homework, not having done it the night before due to getting trashed every night, etc.
I think he must have noticed this because on the last day, while I was there early studying for the final exam, the guy comes 30 minutes before class (unusual) and sits next to me and starts talking.
What is your major, I ask.
Physics.
That sucks.
I like music too, he says. But physics will make me lots of money.
Money is stupid, I say. Money is the root of all evil, I say.
I can be a physicist and a musician at the same time, he says.
Oh yeah, I say, just like that movie where the guy is a scientist and a famous rock star at the same time, and it has Jeff Goldblum in it dressed like a cowboy, and John Lithgow is the alien villian, and they find out that aliens are living inside of all solid objects. Shit, I wish I could remember the name of this movie, it used to be one of my favorites. It's from the 80s.
Haven't heard of it, he says, sounds good.
I am addicted to fun, I tell him.
What do you do for fun? I ask.
I am going to my friend's house tonight, he says.
That's it? That's what you do for fun?
Sort of, he says.
I am going to a surprise birthday party for my friend tonight, I say. We are all going to dress up like cats.

I am talking kind of crazy at this point.
I evaluate the situation. I am really nervous. The kid has a dead gaze. I feel anxious. I think "I really wish I was high right now. Oh wait no, I am about to take a trig final exam. I am going to get high as soon as I leave here."

I laugh out loud, really loud, at myself for my thoughts about getting high, and a lost Asian exchange student walks past us and out the door.
New Friend says something about the Asian kid.
Oh shit, I say, I wasn't laughing at him, it was something in my head, oh man, I hope he doesn't think I was laughing at him. Fuck. What if he thinks all Americans are going to laugh at him now? I probably just ruined the next year of his life by laughing.

Everyone else in the math building lobby gets up to go into the classroom. Everyone looks like they are at a funeral. I start putting my notes away. New Friend doesn't move. I start walking. Almost around the corner now.

Hey, he says, you wanna get high after class?
I turn around. He has his cell phone out and is looking at me.
Yeah, I say, that's actually why i was laughing, because I thought, "man i really wish i were high right now."
Then I keep walking and go to class.

The exam is brutal. New Friend sits next to me like every class.
I can't focus on the exam. I think, shit, did he have his cell phone out because he was trying to get my number? Fuck, I am so bad at making friends. I can't get high with him. I'm not gonna let him get me high.
New Friend finishes his exam first because he is the smartest kid in the class.
Shit, I'm thinking, what if he waits for me outside because I said I would get high with him? Fuck, I should have realized he was trying to get my number so he would just call me later instead of waiting for me.

I can't finish the exam and I know I am doing everything wrong. But I can't stay and finish and work on it more because I am paranoid that this kid is waiting for me, this mathematical dumbass, this social fuck up, to finish and meet him outside and smoke reefer or something. I give the teacher the test and walk out through the lobby.
New Friend is not there.
PHEW!!!!!
I walk out the door, he is not outside the building, either.
Home free!

Oh shit. There is a guy on a bench over there that looks like he has no style and ugly sunglasses is is smoking weed out of one of those "fake cigarette" one-hitters.

He sees me looking at him and I stop and he walks over to where I am, offers me "some of this cigarette" and I hesitate.
No, I say, uhh not now...
It's not really a cigarette, he says.
I wanna scream NO SHIT! and run away. I don't.

You seem really young, I say, how long have you been going here?
This was my first class here, he says, but my father is a professor here, so I've been around a while.
Yeah, but I mean, how old are you?
18.

I think he is looking at me but I can't tell through his ugly slick sunglasses.

Shit, haha, I should have known, I say. I wanna tell him that his style will be saved, that he will develop his own tastes in clothing as he ventures through college. But that seems mean. I don't say it.

You can still come to the cat surprise party! I say, there will be one other 18-year-old there, you guys can bond over being 18 or something.
I am thinking of Jordan Castro and I wonder if they would be friends or something.
I start waving my arms in the air saying, It'll be fun! Cat party! Addicted to fun!

No, he says, you should just come to my friend's house on Franklin.
The cat party is on N. Water! I am still waving my arms around.
I'm not going, he says.

We are almost to the parking lot where my car is parked.
Do you need a ride or anything? I ask him.
Neh, he says, his phone is out again.
Okay, I say, well, my car is over here, you should find the cat party later!
I wave my arms around some more. Like a lunatic. Bye!
Later....he says. We walk in separate directions. He puts his phone away.


Fuck! I am so bad at making friends!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Today is my ex boyfriend's birthday
and I just wanna kiss every cute boy i see.

I should probably get trashed tonight.

Monday, August 8, 2011

LAST NIGHT I DREAMT THAT SOMEBODY LOVED ME

and then I woke up to chainsaws outside my window.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I am eating
miniature cookies with milk
in the nude
and the door isn't locked.
It feels great,
the ghosts aren't out
tonight.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

i'm eating
cold pizza
in the nude
with the door locked
to keep you out,
you're a ghost.
Go away.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Went to the dentist yesterday.
Man drilled away at my tooth for 2 whole fucking hours.
I am getting a gold tooth in two weeks.

I miss Brittany Wallace.
Nothing poetic to say.
Shoot.

Monday, July 11, 2011

The other night I had a dream that I was like
....making out with one of my dude friends and
....in the dream I liked it - it felt good.
When I woke up though I felt confused/horrified.

Then last night I think I had a dream where I yelled FAGGOT at one of my friends.
I don't remember if I yelled it at a straight or gay friend.
But it was supposed to be funny in the dream, like I yelled it as a joke but
...I stuttered it, like "F-FA-FAGGOT!"
I was thinking, "F (i hope this is a funny joke) -FA (yeah this joke is appropriate, they'll understand that it is a joke, they will laugh) -FAGGOT! (oh shit I don't think this was a very good joke)"

It is hard to tell if these were really dreams or just things I did this weekend while blacked out. If I did either of these things to you, please let me know. I am pretty sure they were dreams, but I can never tell.

Also this morning when I was walking to work, I saw a really attractive and relatively tall Asian man. He was so attractive with good posture that I smiled like, really huge half the way to work.

Friday, July 8, 2011

THIS IS MY ADDRESS I WANT STUFF

257 1/2 N. WATER ST.
KENT, OHIO 44240


I'll send you something in return.

Edit: I noticed I already posted that poem that was here. Hahaha. I'm fried.
Instead I will show the return incentive for sending me stuff.
He's cute. I made him.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I stopped painting my room and took a photo of myself. Then I realized I wasn't wearing a shirt so I took another photo with one of my favorite books. The book is ripped in two pieces. :(



Friday, July 1, 2011

Hey everyone, I got a nonfiction prose published on this website. L@@k!11!
http://themolotovcocktail.com/

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

New poem "Blanket Body"

What happens under the blanket?
Are my legs still there?
I think the quilt has taken life,
my body disappeared.
Do I still exist if I am unseen
even by myself?
Not if reality is what you see,
instead of what is felt.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

I stopped reading "Electroboy" (a memoir) because I realized that the guy isn't "crazy", he's just a complete "asshole".

I am now reading "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius" and it's gross, not sure if i'll finish it either. Mostly because the library doesn't give me enough times to finish books, ever.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I'm debating making a chapbook just because I want to self promote myself.
Maybe the title could be, HTTP://LILYYYDAWN.BLOGSPOT.COM.
Maybe I could pay money to just be LILYYYDAWN.COM
or I could donate that money to cleft lipped children in India.
I think about donating money a lot.
Also I have poison ivy and it sucks.
Here is a poem I wrote.




Letter to my future friend

I know we haven't met yet and you probably think I'm a bad person
based on all the stuff you've been told about me,
like being addicted to “drugs”
having severe depression
or relying heavily on alcohol,
but I know that once you see me, you will realize that I'm not so strung out,
that I won't be popping pills in public
or stealing out of your mother's purse.
You will think it was so silly to be nervous about seeing me
once you see my wide doe eyes and dainty frame.
How could a pretty glass figurine such as myself overdose and wake up in a hospital bed,
wrists and ankles tied to the railing to prevent any further vicious attacks on the staff?
Wonder will smack your brain and you'll say,
“I knew it all had to be lies! This girl is an angel!”

And you will let me off with a nice prescription of Adderall
instead of sentencing me to the mental ward.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I couldn't believe when you said you stole my car
and your girlfriend called the cops on you,
they came and took it away to the impound.
So I punched you in the crotch >10x
to no avail.

My fists are always like rubber in my dreams.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

This past week I had poetry and short stories rejected from six different literary publications.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

The building is closed. I have to clean downstairs.
I will vacuum and take the trash out.
Then move my belongings down there.
Set up camp until midnight.
Take over a couch and a lamp and an electrical outlet.
Read a book
or maybe type on the internet.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

I deleted the bath salt post because I was paranoid someone would think I was a druggie or something.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A weird story I wrote just got published on The Monarch Review Website, based out of Seattle (I think.)

Please check it out here, or something.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

NY Times article about the rapture.

Wouldn't these parents be deemed INSANE, and thus unfit to raise these children, in a normal society not disillusioned by the current mythology? Even if not, shouldn't they have their children taken into custody for child abuse? Not the physical kind, but the mental/emotional type of abuse which can damage their mental health far into the future. Why is it OK for the NY Times to publish this article without outrage? Why is this type of craziness deemed normal?
Lastly, what kind of parent tells their kids they are going to hell, while the parents themselves will be sucked up into heaven, leaving them behind to die?
Why is this behavior OK?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I am hungover at work until 3:30.
At 3:30 I can be hungover
where ever I want!

Laundromat,
Hospital,
Cleveland,
Post Office,
My bed,

But not in that order.

Edit: Everyone else here is also either hungover or stoned. Lots of bloodshot eyes at the stud center today.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Live from facebook chat:

Today

Report · 15:48
I saw you around campus. When I tried to say hi, I feel weird. I don't want you to think I am a weirdo. So next time I will say hi. Because that's what a friend does.

Report · 15:48
ok
i think i saw you too

Report · 15:49
and this is weird enough too
hahahaha
Yup! that's me!

Report · 15:49
internet is weird

Report · 15:49
yes

but the sense of being safe to talk online sometimes build friendship too
enjoy your day!

Then I had to close the tab because i felt weird.
Also, I dont think I've ever actually talked to this person before.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Starting to get hot outside.
Getting paid to play on the computer and read books.
Life is sweet, lick it up.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Stumbleupon took me to this crazy website, bookmooch.com

It's pretty much one of the best ideas ever.

You list books that you want to give away, then everytime you send one off to someone, you get a point.

Every point you get, you can trade it for someone else's book.

Fucking sweet!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

My mom just got facebook and she sent me a message. I think she is talking about the steve buchemeyes picture.

Yes this is my beautiful daughter! Takes after her fathers side of the family. Good luck on the hillbilly contest!You're a Winner! Love Ya MOM

Monday, April 25, 2011

Email today from the monarch review saying they liked my story (which was about murdering someone in a gel push-up bra) and the editor says he edited it. I'm scared to open the edited version because of my anxiety. 


Yesterday I got an email from my college writing teacher about my interpretive essay on Sam Pink's Person. She hated my interpretation. So today I have a complex about seeing how people want to change my writing. Here is what my college writing teacher said (she's very eloquent)


Dear Lily,

You discuss the nihilism represented by the main character and narrator of the book. Further, you also analyze the multifaceted negative aspects of the character’s personality: ennui, maliciousness, self-justification, selfishness and hatred. But is there any other significance other than the description of negative qualities of human being? What does the writer want to say? Or, what can we get from this book? Is it about the stark fact that all of us are bored, useless and depressed? Is this description accurate? Or, is this human condition existential, that is, universal or historical and specific to certain situations? Can this story be read as a metaphor for our current miserable economic situation? You do not have to be optimistic but the opposite extreme should be also carefully examined. If you posed more critical questions about the book, the essay could have been much stronger.

A-
I have one follower, her name is Brittany Wallace and I wrote her a poem:

You and I are friends
- we like the same things.
'cept you like them in black,
and I like them in cream.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

It's 420.
Everyone is high.
Went to the plasma center today,
everybody was selling plasma at 6am
so they could buy weed later today.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I ate a bowl of rice chex with milk.
then dissected a pig fetus.
Formaldehyde smell now stuck in my nose.